Goodbye Letter

DISCLAIMER I have this thoughts pretty frequent, write them and publishing it makes me feel better and helps me calm down. This posts talks about death and self harm, please read it with an open mind.

To be completely clear, I'm not thinking on act or do anything with my life, it's just a to vent.

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I really don't know how to start this letter other than by saying sorry. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't endure it, I couldn't handle life. Hopelessness, heartbreak, pain, the constant struggle, life won.

I've been battling depression for many years now, and I feel like it's suffocating me. My therapist says there's progress, and I believe her, but I don't feel like it's enough to keep me here, not anymore. I've been through countless programs, I've been in a psychiatric hospital, I'm on medication (this completely destroyed my sex life), I have two therapists, and there's no way I can handle this. It's so frustrating! My day-to-day life is so overwhelming. I have a hard time getting out of bed, I have trouble sleeping, I eat too much, I barely exercise, I feel lazy, sluggish, taken advantage of, ugh.

I can't get a job, no matter how hard I try or how many applications I send out, the result is always the same, and the money is running out. I feel inadequate, a failure, tired, fatigued, rejected, outdated, and I don't know what else. I don't know what else to do. I feel like no one wants me for a job, and I don't understand why. I supposedly have a good resume, but I've even started to doubt that.

I feel like I'm in a failed transition, where I'm neither male nor female, which isn't bad, but I'd like to be a full woman, but I'm afraid of surgery, and I have my family on my back with this issue. I truly feel abandoned by my family, especially my mom. I haven't heard from her in months, I don't want to call her, and she doesn't want to call me. It's been a hard blow for me; I feel like I've lost everything.

I'm so sorry, Mom, for what I did. I love you so much, but we're so divided, so separated, so disconnected. I feel like you don't want to know about me, that I failed you, that you don't want me to be your daughter anymore, or son, as you call me. I lost you, and although I know it's not my fault, I feel like it's entirely my fault because of the choices I made. I feel like I don't have a mom anymore.

It's hard to wake up every day knowing that half the world hates me for who I am, and it hurts even more to feel that this is true with my own family. Always talking behind my back, never in my face. I was there for any conversation they wanted to have, but no. They outed me to half the world. They criticize me and talk about me behind my back. It takes a lot of courage to confront that, and I failed at that.

Dad, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about this and that you have to find out through this letter or through third parties. I truly never had the courage to confront you and tell you what was happening, and I'm so sorry. I want you to know that I love you very much and that I will always keep you in my thoughts and heart. I apologize a thousand times for what I did. I couldn't handle it all, and despair won. I'm so sorry.

My ex, oh you, I got to you. You hurt so much. I never got over you, and I don't understand why. Is it because I never got closure? Is it because I loved you so intensely? Is it because you scarred me for life? I don't know, but I do know that you're in my heart and thoughts and have been a source of constant pain in my life. I dedicated the last posts on my blog to you, and there you can see how much you hurt me, how much I love you, the eternal conflict you plunged me into. If you'd like to read it, it will be available until the domain expires at... I'm sorry if this isn't what you expected. I'm sorry if it's hard to read, but it's what I felt, and my therapist knows how difficult our breakup has been. I secretly wanted to get back with you, but I know my feelings were never going to be reciprocated. I went from loving you to hating you to loving you again, out of control. I have no control over this, and it's frustrating. I want you to know that I felt unappreciated on the Discord server. It was very difficult to continue, not only with you there, but because I felt like all the work I put into the server wasn't appreciated.

Something many didn't know is that I was actively battling marijuana addiction. It relaxes me, takes me out of this world, puts me in a state where everything is okay, keeps me from thinking, keeps me from feeling, helps me pass the time and accept things that would otherwise be unbearable. This was an important factor since my health declined dramatically thanks to the use of both THC and nicotine. I felt like I wasn't the same, I got tired more quickly, I performed less, my memory was affected, and my cognitive process was compromised.

Brother, I am so sorry for putting you through all of this. I love you so much and I can't imagine what you're going through. I am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Thank you for accepting me as I am, calling me by my name, using my pronouns, and always being proud of me. I don't have enough words to apologize. I am so sorry, but I carry you in my heart and soul, and wherever I am now, you will be one of my lights guiding me to peace, peace at last. I love you so much.

Sister, thank you for trying. I know it's not easy for a sister to transition. Thank you for being that bridge that kept me in touch with home, for caring about me, and for always being there. I'm so sorry about this outcome. I don't know what to say. Please take good care of my nephew. I will always love him and try to guide him wherever I go. I hope you can forgive me for this.

Best friend, I know this may affect you deeply, and I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you when I was on the brink of insanity, but it's too late now. I hope you accept my apologies. You've been a great friend and you've truly entered my life and heart. I feel like those two weeks we spent together brought us closer together, and there's something I feel you should know: I have feelings for you. I started to feel more than friendship after you left my house. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner, and I hope it's not too awkward for you to read this. I would have liked to try to have a relationship with you, but I never had the courage to talk to you.

Ex wife, oh ex wife, you don't know how sorry I am. I'm sorry for leaving you with so much responsibility. You're the only one who can handle everything I'm leaving behind, and I'm so sorry. I felt your loss so much. It hurt so much, and I never stopped loving you. I know our relationship was never possible after the separation and my transition, but I miss you so much. I'm sorry for everything you went through with me. I'm sorry for making you feel inferior, for being so controlling, for not being a good wife. I'm sorry I made you go through a divorce. You were my life partner, and I lost you, and that's something I've never been able to forgive myself for. Take good care of my cat, make sure she's in a good place. I'm so sorry for leaving her behind, but I didn't know what to do anymore.

Therapist, I'm sorry! You're one of the people who knows me best. You know everything I've been through, and you can tell what led me to make this decision. I truly value the therapy you gave me, the constant effort to keep me healthy, the wise words that helped me so much, and everything you did for me. "Healing with the connection." I'll never forget that, and I like to say we had a very beautiful bond in therapy. Thank you for everything, and I want you to know that this isn't your fault; it's a reflection of how broken I was and how difficult it was for me to live like this. I will always be eternally grateful for everything.