Today's Random Thoughts

DISCLAIMER I have this thoughts pretty frequent, write them and publishing it makes me feel better and helps me calm down. This posts talks about death and self harm, please read it with an open mind.

Oct/24/24

I have no idea what is happening with me, I think I'm depressed and masking it with anger.

I feel down, sad, tearful, frustrated, desperate.

Everyone seems to remember their childhood, I don't, my mind is so cloudy, could it be the weed? But weed is good for me, isn't it?

Sometimes I just want to die and see whats next, if there is something, there should be, shouldn't it. If there there is not, then what is the point? In matter of fact, what us the point of life? I don't wanna be here anymore.

I just want to cry but I'm in the middle of a class, so sleepy, so desperate, I wanna go, please let me go, let me lay forever and rest in peace. Don't want this anymore.

Should I stop smoking weed? I don't want to, I like it and it helps me go through this hell of a life.

Nov/3/24

I feel weird.

You don't remember? You were pretty affected by it and you don't remember? Now I am curious and concerned.

And here we go again, invasive thought coming hard about leaving this world. I wish I could do it.

U feel it, I am going down again, wtf?

Nov/4/24

Thoughts about leaving this world haven't gone away entirely but I'm starting to feel better. I still see depression in my near future but it doesn't seem that bad.

I guess weed did help, I feel rested, sharp, relaxed and yes, I want to smoke, but I think that is normal, it makes me feel good and in balance.

Nov/7/24

I keep thinking if I should commit go or not, there doesn't seem to be any other option but I'm afraid of hurting the people I'll leave in this world.

Hailey, my mom, my siblings, Raven, Brenda, Alyssa, Pame... It only makes me want to go screaming to a psychiatry hospital to get locked in.

Let's talk about money, I have some amount of money, Brenda can stay with the house and I'll leave money so she can maintain it for some months. 30k for Hailey sounds reasonable and everything else would be for my siblings.

Why to talk about life if death is so near and freeing.

I told you something pretty, why are you moving on in the conversation without replying.

I am just another person, nothing special, I don't know why Hailey likes me.

You better not say anything else, she looks at you weird, I think she doesn't like me.