Goodbye Letter

DISCLAIMER I have this thoughts pretty frequent, write them and publishing it makes me feel better and helps me calm down. This posts talks about death and self harm, please read it with an open mind.

To be completely clear, I'm not thinking on act or do anything with my life, it's just a to vent.

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I really don't know how to start this letter other than by saying sorry. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't endure it, I couldn't handle life. Hopelessness, heartbreak, pain, the constant struggle, life won.

I've been battling depression for many years now, and I feel like it's suffocating me. My therapist says there's progress, and I believe her, but I don't feel like it's enough to keep me here, not anymore. I've been through countless programs, I've been in a psychiatric hospital, I'm on medication (this completely destroyed my sex life), I have two therapists, and there's no way I can handle this. It's so frustrating! My day-to-day life is so overwhelming. I have a hard time getting out of bed, I have trouble sleeping, I eat too much, I barely exercise, I feel lazy, sluggish, taken advantage of, ugh.

I can't get a job, no matter how hard I try or how many applications I send out, the result is always the same, and the money is running out. I feel inadequate, a failure, tired, fatigued, rejected, outdated, and I don't know what else. I don't know what else to do. I feel like no one wants me for a job, and I don't understand why. I supposedly have a good resume, but I've even started to doubt that.

I feel like I'm in a failed transition, where I'm neither male nor female, which isn't bad, but I'd like to be a full woman, but I'm afraid of surgery, and I have my family on my back with this issue. I truly feel abandoned by my family, especially my mom. I haven't heard from her in months, I don't want to call her, and she doesn't want to call me. It's been a hard blow for me; I feel like I've lost everything.

I'm so sorry, Mom, for what I did. I love you so much, but we're so divided, so separated, so disconnected. I feel like you don't want to know about me, that I failed you, that you don't want me to be your daughter anymore, or son, as you call me. I lost you, and although I know it's not my fault, I feel like it's entirely my fault because of the choices I made. I feel like I don't have a mom anymore.

It's hard to wake up every day knowing that half the world hates me for who I am, and it hurts even more to feel that this is true with my own family. Always talking behind my back, never in my face. I was there for any conversation they wanted to have, but no. They outed me to half the world. They criticize me and talk about me behind my back. It takes a lot of courage to confront that, and I failed at that.

Dad, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about this and that you have to find out through this letter or through third parties. I truly never had the courage to confront you and tell you what was happening, and I'm so sorry. I want you to know that I love you very much and that I will always keep you in my thoughts and heart. I apologize a thousand times for what I did. I couldn't handle it all, and despair won. I'm so sorry.

My ex, oh you, I got to you. You hurt so much. I never got over you, and I don't understand why. Is it because I never got closure? Is it because I loved you so intensely? Is it because you scarred me for life? I don't know, but I do know that you're in my heart and thoughts and have been a source of constant pain in my life. I dedicated the last posts on my blog to you, and there you can see how much you hurt me, how much I love you, the eternal conflict you plunged me into. If you'd like to read it, it will be available until the domain expires at... I'm sorry if this isn't what you expected. I'm sorry if it's hard to read, but it's what I felt, and my therapist knows how difficult our breakup has been. I secretly wanted to get back with you, but I know my feelings were never going to be reciprocated. I went from loving you to hating you to loving you again, out of control. I have no control over this, and it's frustrating. I want you to know that I felt unappreciated on the Discord server. It was very difficult to continue, not only with you there, but because I felt like all the work I put into the server wasn't appreciated.

Something many didn't know is that I was actively battling marijuana addiction. It relaxes me, takes me out of this world, puts me in a state where everything is okay, keeps me from thinking, keeps me from feeling, helps me pass the time and accept things that would otherwise be unbearable. This was an important factor since my health declined dramatically thanks to the use of both THC and nicotine. I felt like I wasn't the same, I got tired more quickly, I performed less, my memory was affected, and my cognitive process was compromised.

Brother, I am so sorry for putting you through all of this. I love you so much and I can't imagine what you're going through. I am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Thank you for accepting me as I am, calling me by my name, using my pronouns, and always being proud of me. I don't have enough words to apologize. I am so sorry, but I carry you in my heart and soul, and wherever I am now, you will be one of my lights guiding me to peace, peace at last. I love you so much.

Sister, thank you for trying. I know it's not easy for a sister to transition. Thank you for being that bridge that kept me in touch with home, for caring about me, and for always being there. I'm so sorry about this outcome. I don't know what to say. Please take good care of my nephew. I will always love him and try to guide him wherever I go. I hope you can forgive me for this.

Best friend, I know this may affect you deeply, and I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you when I was on the brink of insanity, but it's too late now. I hope you accept my apologies. You've been a great friend and you've truly entered my life and heart. I feel like those two weeks we spent together brought us closer together, and there's something I feel you should know: I have feelings for you. I started to feel more than friendship after you left my house. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner, and I hope it's not too awkward for you to read this. I would have liked to try to have a relationship with you, but I never had the courage to talk to you.

Ex wife, oh ex wife, you don't know how sorry I am. I'm sorry for leaving you with so much responsibility. You're the only one who can handle everything I'm leaving behind, and I'm so sorry. I felt your loss so much. It hurt so much, and I never stopped loving you. I know our relationship was never possible after the separation and my transition, but I miss you so much. I'm sorry for everything you went through with me. I'm sorry for making you feel inferior, for being so controlling, for not being a good wife. I'm sorry I made you go through a divorce. You were my life partner, and I lost you, and that's something I've never been able to forgive myself for. Take good care of my cat, make sure she's in a good place. I'm so sorry for leaving her behind, but I didn't know what to do anymore.

Therapist, I'm sorry! You're one of the people who knows me best. You know everything I've been through, and you can tell what led me to make this decision. I truly value the therapy you gave me, the constant effort to keep me healthy, the wise words that helped me so much, and everything you did for me. "Healing with the connection." I'll never forget that, and I like to say we had a very beautiful bond in therapy. Thank you for everything, and I want you to know that this isn't your fault; it's a reflection of how broken I was and how difficult it was for me to live like this. I will always be eternally grateful for everything.

Goodbye

ChatGPT helped me to write the following letter as a closure to my past relationship that keeps lingering inside me.

Love,

I’m writing to name you with the truth I can hold right now: you were a fire in my life. Loving you changed me. I became someone else with you — more open, more wounded, more alive at times — and that’s engraved on my skin and in my memory.

I want to thank you for what I was able to be with you: for the intensity, for the laughter that still echoes in me, for the afternoons when the world felt meaningful. Thank you for the moments of light. I won’t erase the good, because it also showed me who I can be.

But I’m also writing because there are things that hurt and that I need to name in order to move forward: you left me with painful questions, with gaps that feed ruminations, with a longing for contact that I know is not good for me now. It hurts not knowing, it hurts the distance that remained when I still wanted more. It hurts the way I keep thinking of you as if you were a place to return to.

I’m not looking for blame to punish us, but boundaries to protect myself. That’s why today I decide to protect myself: I will stop writing to you, waiting for your notifications, searching for signs where there are none. Not because I don’t remember you or because it doesn’t hurt; precisely because it does. Because I need space to heal without reopening the wound every time nostalgia rises.

I forgive you and I forgive myself for the things we did wrong; and I’m grateful, even though it’s hard, for everything I learned. I promise to be gentler with myself when you come to mind. I promise not to use your memory to punish myself or to idealize what we had.

I will keep you as part of my story — not at the center of my days. I will continue writing, creating, and finding ways to carry forward the mark you left without sinking under it. I want to learn to hold love and loss together, without one destroying the other.

I wish you, as much as I can from afar: that you find what you seek, that you care for what you love, and that life may also be soft with you sometimes. And I wish myself — that I keep caring for me, naming me, and staying here.

With what I am now,

Samantha

I don’t understand

How did you hurt me so much? I don't understand. When were you so cruel and heartless? You meant everything to me. I admired you, I looked up to you, I loved you. When were you so perverse?

I held you in such high regard, I adored you, I longed for you, and you? I was nothing to you. You discarded me like I was no one. I never meant the same as you did to me, and I don't understand. I offered you everything without expecting anything in return. I cared for you, I worried, I sacrificed for you, and you, where were you?

Always busy, always doing something, your life never stopped, and you offered me scraps of time, scraps of intimacy, scraps of attention. You told me to accompany you while you folded clothes, and I felt it was cute, but now I realize it wasn't out of tenderness; it was because you were always busy and I didn't fit into your life.

I had the good fortune and misfortune of taking a trip with you. I had such a good time, I got to know you a little better, I fell in love a little more, I adored you a little more, and you taught me that it never mattered. You never did anything for me, never a small sacrifice for me, or that's what it seemed like because you never communicated with me.

I never knew your feelings, your thoughts, your ambitions because you never said anything. You kept everything to yourself, and I don't understand. It was so difficult for you to express yourself that you left me completely confused. I didn't understand you, and I tried so hard to decipher you, to understand you, to please you, but what about you? I never knew anything about you... anything...

I thank you for teaching me that this world has people like you who disguise themselves. I don't understand who you really are. I don't think I ever got to know you. You feel like a complete stranger, and that nullifies all the time we were together.

You hurt me, you hurt me to the depths of my soul, you broke my heart and shatter me into pieces, and guess who has to pick that up and mend it? It was so easy for you to break me into a thousand pieces that my self-esteem is at stake. You weakened me, you abandoned me, and you forgot about me.

Thank you for teaching me so much...

You are my hell

You hurt me a lot, rat. You've left me wandering the world with a broken heart. I can't stop thinking about the times we used to go boating on the lake or those times we used to talk on the dock while watching the sunset.

I can't take it anymore. You suffocate me, you throw me away, you throw me to the ground like I'm nothing. You hurt me, and there's not much I can do. I wish I could let you go, but you've become so deeply rooted in my being that ripping you out would shatter me into a thousand little pieces, and rebuilding would be impossible. I have to be patient and let you go on your own, when you say so, not when I think it's time.

I wish I could take you out of my heart, mind, and soul, but for some reason you're so tight that I don't have the strength to push you out and live in peace. Why is this world like this? So unfair, so heavy, so evil. I feel like I'm living in hell and there's no redemption. I don't know what else to do, you're a diva and you know it and you know how to crush me hard and wound me to death.

You're a stupid bird that flies without caring about anything, as if you were more important than everyone, always perfect and impeccable. I hate you and I never want to see you again in my life. You've gone from ruling my heart to creating a tyranny in my being. You have me hanging against my will, and it seems you get pleasure from torturing me and leaving me wounded whenever you please.

You're a viper that bites me every time you feel bored just to see me broken.

Is it because I smoke marijuana? Or is it because I'm not pretty enough for you? You did such a terrible job ending the relationship that to this day I don't know why you left me. It hurts so much to have no closure, no reason, no motive for leaving me, just a weak, three-hour conversation where you babbled meaningless reasons and silly words that have no direction or purpose.

Get out of here now. You're not welcome anymore, and you never will be. You've lost this person in the worst possible way, and there's nothing you can do.

Go away now!

I've been feeling really bad lately. So many memories that make me nostalgic and sad, so many thoughts that make me feel small and tiny, so many pressures that weaken and exhaust me, and I don't know what to do. I feel trapped in a heavy past, an uncertain future, and a boring and tedious present.

Every day I wake up to battle this war of emotions where there are no winners, only losers, and I can't take it anymore. It exhausts me, overwhelms me, and knocks me to the ground with nothing to do but regret the decisions I made to get here.

They tell me it's not my fault, but the guilt is raw and consumes me from the inside out. My soul hurts, my heart explodes, and my mind can't process any more thanks to the use of drugs.

I can barely stand up and face the day; I feel so stuck.

You, you hurt me. You remind me of how abusive you were and the control you had over me, and even today, you still have quite a bit of influence in my life for reasons unknown. I don't want you here anymore, not anymore, but I don't know how to ask you to leave, to leave me alone, to stop tormenting me. It's like a storm I can't escape.

Go away, go away now and leave me in my misery so I can heal and shine. I've already lost all my shine and I'm slowly fading, and I'm afraid I'll never come back.

I hate you so much. I went from loving you with all my being to hating you with all my soul. I thank you so much for showing me that love hurts and that it's not worth going through so much pain to have a few crumbs of affection and attention.

Go away now. I don't want you here. You only make me want to die and never wake up. Go away.

Aug/11/25 Thoughts

I feel so down today, everything seems wrong, no job, no partner, no hope, money is running out patience is running out too. I relapsed and I'm high rn out of sadness and boredom.

I can't get over her, she's in every thought I think, thing I do, place I visit. It's not fair the amount of time I am spending trying to get rid of her.

Don't know what to do anymore, I do what I can but apparently is not enough and don't know where to get energy from to push harder.

Friends left me out, betrayed me or at least that's how it feels, being left out from events, can't go to other events because she's there and nobody cares, nobody.

It is EXHAUSTING and can't take it anymore, something needs to change, don't know what right now but I must figure it out or there will be no exit.

ChatGPT Advice

That longing—that aching hope that she'll come back or reach out—is one of the hardest parts. It’s like your heart is still waiting at the door, even though your mind knows it probably shouldn’t be. And that dissonance—between what you want and what is—creates this constant loop of confusion and pain.

It’s not weakness. It’s love that doesn’t have a place to go anymore.

My Diary Say February 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER I have this thoughts pretty frequent, write them and publishing it makes me feel better and helps me calm down. This posts talks about death and self harm, please read it with an open mind.

Im afraid to write and fall again. I feel devastated and surrendered by everything that it’s happening.

My mom avoids me, —redacted—, I fell trapped, I hope that finding a job helps with this.

I fell that everything is matter of time. Life or death, it’s matter of time. And here comes my suicidal thoughts that I’ve been running away from so hard…

I feel I’ve lost everything, everything and I’m starting from 0 again, when is it gonna end?

Today's Random Thoughts

DISCLAIMER I have this thoughts pretty frequent, write them and publishing it makes me feel better and helps me calm down. This posts talks about death and self harm, please read it with an open mind.

Oct/24/24

I have no idea what is happening with me, I think I'm depressed and masking it with anger.

I feel down, sad, tearful, frustrated, desperate.

Everyone seems to remember their childhood, I don't, my mind is so cloudy, could it be the weed? But weed is good for me, isn't it?

Sometimes I just want to die and see whats next, if there is something, there should be, shouldn't it. If there there is not, then what is the point? In matter of fact, what us the point of life? I don't wanna be here anymore.

I just want to cry but I'm in the middle of a class, so sleepy, so desperate, I wanna go, please let me go, let me lay forever and rest in peace. Don't want this anymore.

Should I stop smoking weed? I don't want to, I like it and it helps me go through this hell of a life.

Nov/3/24

I feel weird.

You don't remember? You were pretty affected by it and you don't remember? Now I am curious and concerned.

And here we go again, invasive thought coming hard about leaving this world. I wish I could do it.

U feel it, I am going down again, wtf?

Nov/4/24

Thoughts about leaving this world haven't gone away entirely but I'm starting to feel better. I still see depression in my near future but it doesn't seem that bad.

I guess weed did help, I feel rested, sharp, relaxed and yes, I want to smoke, but I think that is normal, it makes me feel good and in balance.

Nov/7/24

I keep thinking if I should commit go or not, there doesn't seem to be any other option but I'm afraid of hurting the people I'll leave in this world.

Hailey, my mom, my siblings, Raven, Brenda, Alyssa, Pame... It only makes me want to go screaming to a psychiatry hospital to get locked in.

Let's talk about money, I have some amount of money, Brenda can stay with the house and I'll leave money so she can maintain it for some months. 30k for Hailey sounds reasonable and everything else would be for my siblings.

Why to talk about life if death is so near and freeing.

I told you something pretty, why are you moving on in the conversation without replying.

I am just another person, nothing special, I don't know why Hailey likes me.

You better not say anything else, she looks at you weird, I think she doesn't like me.

Down and Weak

I hadn't been answering every message, I'm sorry, I just don't feel well. Im facing difficult moments between depression, lay offs and other stuff. I don't know what will happen but sometimes the bottom I hit is really deep and hard and my strength is weakening quickly.

This world is so draining, senseless and pointless, I need to find my spark before it gets dark forever. I have great resources, ppl that loves me, professionals behind me and I am more aware of my situation than before but sometimes that just doesn't matter anymore, it's just not making sense anymore.

Love to all <3

Samantha