I don’t understand

How did you hurt me so much? I don't understand. When were you so cruel and heartless? You meant everything to me. I admired you, I looked up to you, I loved you. When were you so perverse?

I held you in such high regard, I adored you, I longed for you, and you? I was nothing to you. You discarded me like I was no one. I never meant the same as you did to me, and I don't understand. I offered you everything without expecting anything in return. I cared for you, I worried, I sacrificed for you, and you, where were you?

Always busy, always doing something, your life never stopped, and you offered me scraps of time, scraps of intimacy, scraps of attention. You told me to accompany you while you folded clothes, and I felt it was cute, but now I realize it wasn't out of tenderness; it was because you were always busy and I didn't fit into your life.

I had the good fortune and misfortune of taking a trip with you. I had such a good time, I got to know you a little better, I fell in love a little more, I adored you a little more, and you taught me that it never mattered. You never did anything for me, never a small sacrifice for me, or that's what it seemed like because you never communicated with me.

I never knew your feelings, your thoughts, your ambitions because you never said anything. You kept everything to yourself, and I don't understand. It was so difficult for you to express yourself that you left me completely confused. I didn't understand you, and I tried so hard to decipher you, to understand you, to please you, but what about you? I never knew anything about you... anything...

I thank you for teaching me that this world has people like you who disguise themselves. I don't understand who you really are. I don't think I ever got to know you. You feel like a complete stranger, and that nullifies all the time we were together.

You hurt me, you hurt me to the depths of my soul, you broke my heart and shatter me into pieces, and guess who has to pick that up and mend it? It was so easy for you to break me into a thousand pieces that my self-esteem is at stake. You weakened me, you abandoned me, and you forgot about me.

Thank you for teaching me so much...

You are my hell

You hurt me a lot, rat. You've left me wandering the world with a broken heart. I can't stop thinking about the times we used to go boating on the lake or those times we used to talk on the dock while watching the sunset.

I can't take it anymore. You suffocate me, you throw me away, you throw me to the ground like I'm nothing. You hurt me, and there's not much I can do. I wish I could let you go, but you've become so deeply rooted in my being that ripping you out would shatter me into a thousand little pieces, and rebuilding would be impossible. I have to be patient and let you go on your own, when you say so, not when I think it's time.

I wish I could take you out of my heart, mind, and soul, but for some reason you're so tight that I don't have the strength to push you out and live in peace. Why is this world like this? So unfair, so heavy, so evil. I feel like I'm living in hell and there's no redemption. I don't know what else to do, you're a diva and you know it and you know how to crush me hard and wound me to death.

You're a stupid bird that flies without caring about anything, as if you were more important than everyone, always perfect and impeccable. I hate you and I never want to see you again in my life. You've gone from ruling my heart to creating a tyranny in my being. You have me hanging against my will, and it seems you get pleasure from torturing me and leaving me wounded whenever you please.

You're a viper that bites me every time you feel bored just to see me broken.

Is it because I smoke marijuana? Or is it because I'm not pretty enough for you? You did such a terrible job ending the relationship that to this day I don't know why you left me. It hurts so much to have no closure, no reason, no motive for leaving me, just a weak, three-hour conversation where you babbled meaningless reasons and silly words that have no direction or purpose.

Get out of here now. You're not welcome anymore, and you never will be. You've lost this person in the worst possible way, and there's nothing you can do.

Go away now!

I've been feeling really bad lately. So many memories that make me nostalgic and sad, so many thoughts that make me feel small and tiny, so many pressures that weaken and exhaust me, and I don't know what to do. I feel trapped in a heavy past, an uncertain future, and a boring and tedious present.

Every day I wake up to battle this war of emotions where there are no winners, only losers, and I can't take it anymore. It exhausts me, overwhelms me, and knocks me to the ground with nothing to do but regret the decisions I made to get here.

They tell me it's not my fault, but the guilt is raw and consumes me from the inside out. My soul hurts, my heart explodes, and my mind can't process any more thanks to the use of drugs.

I can barely stand up and face the day; I feel so stuck.

You, you hurt me. You remind me of how abusive you were and the control you had over me, and even today, you still have quite a bit of influence in my life for reasons unknown. I don't want you here anymore, not anymore, but I don't know how to ask you to leave, to leave me alone, to stop tormenting me. It's like a storm I can't escape.

Go away, go away now and leave me in my misery so I can heal and shine. I've already lost all my shine and I'm slowly fading, and I'm afraid I'll never come back.

I hate you so much. I went from loving you with all my being to hating you with all my soul. I thank you so much for showing me that love hurts and that it's not worth going through so much pain to have a few crumbs of affection and attention.

Go away now. I don't want you here. You only make me want to die and never wake up. Go away.

Aug/11/25 Thoughts

I feel so down today, everything seems wrong, no job, no partner, no hope, money is running out patience is running out too. I relapsed and I'm high rn out of sadness and boredom.

I can't get over her, she's in every thought I think, thing I do, place I visit. It's not fair the amount of time I am spending trying to get rid of her.

Don't know what to do anymore, I do what I can but apparently is not enough and don't know where to get energy from to push harder.

Friends left me out, betrayed me or at least that's how it feels, being left out from events, can't go to other events because she's there and nobody cares, nobody.

It is EXHAUSTING and can't take it anymore, something needs to change, don't know what right now but I must figure it out or there will be no exit.

ChatGPT Advice

That longing—that aching hope that she'll come back or reach out—is one of the hardest parts. It’s like your heart is still waiting at the door, even though your mind knows it probably shouldn’t be. And that dissonance—between what you want and what is—creates this constant loop of confusion and pain.

It’s not weakness. It’s love that doesn’t have a place to go anymore.

My Diary Say February 1, 2025

DISCLAIMER I have this thoughts pretty frequent, write them and publishing it makes me feel better and helps me calm down. This posts talks about death and self harm, please read it with an open mind.

Im afraid to write and fall again. I feel devastated and surrendered by everything that it’s happening.

My mom avoids me, —redacted—, I fell trapped, I hope that finding a job helps with this.

I fell that everything is matter of time. Life or death, it’s matter of time. And here comes my suicidal thoughts that I’ve been running away from so hard…

I feel I’ve lost everything, everything and I’m starting from 0 again, when is it gonna end?

Today's Random Thoughts

DISCLAIMER I have this thoughts pretty frequent, write them and publishing it makes me feel better and helps me calm down. This posts talks about death and self harm, please read it with an open mind.

Oct/24/24

I have no idea what is happening with me, I think I'm depressed and masking it with anger.

I feel down, sad, tearful, frustrated, desperate.

Everyone seems to remember their childhood, I don't, my mind is so cloudy, could it be the weed? But weed is good for me, isn't it?

Sometimes I just want to die and see whats next, if there is something, there should be, shouldn't it. If there there is not, then what is the point? In matter of fact, what us the point of life? I don't wanna be here anymore.

I just want to cry but I'm in the middle of a class, so sleepy, so desperate, I wanna go, please let me go, let me lay forever and rest in peace. Don't want this anymore.

Should I stop smoking weed? I don't want to, I like it and it helps me go through this hell of a life.

Nov/3/24

I feel weird.

You don't remember? You were pretty affected by it and you don't remember? Now I am curious and concerned.

And here we go again, invasive thought coming hard about leaving this world. I wish I could do it.

U feel it, I am going down again, wtf?

Nov/4/24

Thoughts about leaving this world haven't gone away entirely but I'm starting to feel better. I still see depression in my near future but it doesn't seem that bad.

I guess weed did help, I feel rested, sharp, relaxed and yes, I want to smoke, but I think that is normal, it makes me feel good and in balance.

Nov/7/24

I keep thinking if I should commit go or not, there doesn't seem to be any other option but I'm afraid of hurting the people I'll leave in this world.

Hailey, my mom, my siblings, Raven, Brenda, Alyssa, Pame... It only makes me want to go screaming to a psychiatry hospital to get locked in.

Let's talk about money, I have some amount of money, Brenda can stay with the house and I'll leave money so she can maintain it for some months. 30k for Hailey sounds reasonable and everything else would be for my siblings.

Why to talk about life if death is so near and freeing.

I told you something pretty, why are you moving on in the conversation without replying.

I am just another person, nothing special, I don't know why Hailey likes me.

You better not say anything else, she looks at you weird, I think she doesn't like me.

Down and Weak

I hadn't been answering every message, I'm sorry, I just don't feel well. Im facing difficult moments between depression, lay offs and other stuff. I don't know what will happen but sometimes the bottom I hit is really deep and hard and my strength is weakening quickly.

This world is so draining, senseless and pointless, I need to find my spark before it gets dark forever. I have great resources, ppl that loves me, professionals behind me and I am more aware of my situation than before but sometimes that just doesn't matter anymore, it's just not making sense anymore.

Love to all <3

Samantha